I’ve planned on posting an update for months, but sometimes, I only push myself to the necessary extents. That is exactly what I wanted to target in this blog, a not-so-glamorous VIP pass behind the scenes of self neglect.
I have this recurring mood/mindset that comes and goes as it pleases.. I call those times my “bad days”.
“I wouldn’t say I’m sensitive. I would say I’m highly susceptible to feeling a lot.” Sabrina Benaim
I never know when it will come or when it will go. Sometimes, it drags on for days, weeks, months…. etc. I work full time, so from 6:30am-7:00pm mon-sat I am out of my house. Out of my room. Out of my bed. However, that doesn’t stop the dark cloud hovering over me.
I will spend lots of days at work going through motions like a robot, thinking of just wanting to be in my bed-Wishing I didn’t just want to be in my bed. People my age usually go out and hang out with friends. I’ll feel a little wild every now and then, so I go out but it feels impossible to me to have fun without something to help me feel the fun. I find myself reaching for a beer, a shot, a cigarette.. my friends don’t see a problem with this- its normal for someone my age. Whats not normal? feeling that my natural feelings aren’t enough to keep me going. Feeling as though my normal emotions aren’t good enough so I need to “enhance” them. Sound familiar? Keep reading.
I know that I need to socialize so I try again. I try to make plans but I already know I’ll cancel them so I avoid being asked “do you want to—this weekend?” I’ll probably say yes because I feel that I should or that I would have said yes or that I would have wanted to say yes.
*Maybe I’ll feel like it then*.
Time comes to get myself ready and go have fun but the ‘I’ve got a lot on my plate right now… next time’ text is sent
Before I know it, I’m back in my bed. Watching YouTube videos about how to eat healthy and workout regularly. Endless screenshots of Pinterest workout plans. Pitiful.
“self-care isn’t always manicures, bubble baths & eating healthy food. Sometimes its forcing yourself to get out of bed, take a shower and participate in life again.” Meredith Marple.
The screenshotted text, is from my mom *obviously* This one text is what really kicked me into gear when I decided there was something holding me back.
To me, my mom is many things. She’s my teacher, my therapist, my advice column, my political advisor and she will always be my very first best friend… and Boss. I respect my mom above all else- I always will.
So, why can’t I get out of bed when she tells me I need to?
Why can’t I get out of bed when I tell myself I need to?
I was raised by an independent woman. Strong. Confident. I was raised to be strong and confident. I’m a natural born leader. I’m a pusher. I’m a motivator. Isn’t it ironic that I can’t motivate/push myself?
“It’s okay not to be okay. You don’t have to pretend that you are okay. You can say, ‘I need help. I need help from God'” James 5:16 (easier said than done)
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Now, don’t get me wrong,
I also have a lot of fun in my life. I’m filled with joy. I don’t think “I have depression and it’s because no one cares about me and the world is some deep, dark, hopeless pit and we will all die in the end so why even try.” That’s not what I think, that’s not my thought process. Yes, sometimes I have some dark thoughts at 3 AM when I get too deep into my head. *It happens, dawg*
There are days that make it all easier, there are days that I look outside and the grass is greener than ever. Sometimes, I’m reminded of how beautiful and mesmerizing the sky can be. (Have you ever seen an Oklahoma sunrise?) I have so many wonderful people in my life that love me and care about me. I AM filled with joy.
On this day, I had 3 separate panic attacks. I should’ve become an actress. *so.much.sarcasm*
My best-friend. My human diary. My walking anti-depressant. I can tell him all of my problems like, “they don’t have my favorite chips here!” and he’d be like, “those bastards!” which is the perfect response in that situation.
Mornings are perfect for me because I love routine. I love opening my toolbox, getting my coffee, reviewing my schedule for the day, getting everyone pumped, and taking our daily work selfie.
These small simple things keep me focused on whats outside of my head. Here is a tiny hidden thank you to my coworkers for the things that they are unaware they help me with.
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Though, I am surrounded by reasons to smile, I have reasons to feel less than smiley. I won’t throw myself a pity party, we won’t have a pissing contest of who is more damaged but this post is already so exposing to me that I feel fully naked, so why not get it all out.
Some may know that I lost my daughter, Brighton Reese Stewart. She was still-born on July 28th, 2016 at 10:45 AM. I will never recover fully from the loss, but I have joy in knowing that I’ll see her again one day. This specific subject to be continued on a later blog post.
One week before her delivery at 32 weeks and my baby bump was POPPIN’
The day she was born, we held our girl as long as we could. We said our goodbyes and began the process to making peace with reality.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Maya Angelou
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” Vicki Harrison
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I have depression & I was born this way.
I want to put words into perfect sentences that make perfect sense to someone like me, but to someone like me, my crazy jumbled thoughts and phrases will be understood.
I’ve planned this post for months.
(Translation: I’ve procrastinated this post for months. Translation: Thought about it a lot while I ate ice cream and watched Criminal Minds. You can blame Shemar Moore and Ben and Jerry’s)
I write it up in my head and I’m like *yeah, I’m gonna post that tonight when I get off of work*
That’s Monday.
Then Saturday comes and I’m like *okay, definitely tonight*
..then I wake up Sunday morning at 6am.
I stay in bed. I don’t go get coffee or take a shower.
I’ll lay on my side and watch the YouTube videos of people that do things with their lives- or those ‘soldier coming home to his dog’ videos.
Around 3pm I put pants on *congratulations*
A few youtube videos later, I decide to eat something, FINALLY. I walk to the kitchen, I browse the pantry. All of the options in front of me, *I could cook myself a decent meal, I’d probably feel better* …I think this while I pour a bowl of cereal and head back to my bed…
It’s 7pm now, I haven’t accomplished a single thing other than breathing… but that’s okay because *it’s my day off. This isn’t depression, I’m just relaxing*
That’s a lie that I tell myself often. Much too often.
This doesn’t happen every single weekend because every now and then I will go do something with friends, but I always drink too much when I go out. I feel bad about it the next day and I won’t do it again until the next next weekend.. but there is always a next next weekend.
That’s the problem with depression, It’s like being behind a glass wall. I can see myself doing things that I know are just destroying me.
Mentally & physically. I’m ruining my self esteem. I always try to justify it to myself. *Of course you’ve put on a couple pounds, you never exercise outside of work*
I tell myself I’m going to make some unbelievable change and everyone will be like “wow, Paxton made an unbelievable change”
But I drink too much for that. I’ve become a high functioning alcoholic.
I tell myself that it’s okay because I’m self aware… like, it’s okay that I’m doing things that are bad for me as long as I’m admitting it to myself..
does that makes sense?
No, but at-least I’m admitting that it doesn’t make sense. (Bad joke)
When I said that I was born this way, I mean that I am epileptic. Quick lesson: Epilepsy is a disorder in which nerve cell activity in the brain is disturbed, causing seizures. It is excessive and abnormal brain cell activity.
My seizures are called focal onset aware seizures (simple partial seizures). When I have a seizure, I am still alert and I am able to interact because it only affects one hemisphere of my brain. However, on occasion I will still lose consciousness and my muscles will tense causing a temporary paralysis. Epilepsy is commonly accompanied by anxiety and depression. Epilepsy is not cured, but there are medications called anticonvulsants that help.
When you look at the bottles of anticonvulsants and other treatments for the disorder, you’ll see that they all have one thing in common; Antidepressant and anti-anxiety properties. As we depression sufferers know, antidepressants often cause depression..
Not only does epilepsy bring depression to the party, so do the AED’s (anti-epileptic drugs)
The conclusion that I’ve come to is that I’m my own worst enemy. I just let everything around me push me down, I let it kick me while I’m down. With the love and support of my family, my friends & my daughter in heaven- I will make the changes in my life that I’ve promised to myself for so long. This day and everyday, I will love and respect myself because that’s something that I’ve neglected for a long time.
“And God said ‘love your enemy’ and I obeyed him and loved myself” -Khalil Gibran
